MIX IT UP While You Still Can

And so the time has come that I am now in a position to give advice to the under 30 crowd about what they need to do to avoid the many pitfalls that I have experienced in order to get to the other, ugly side of 30.

First, let me assure you, it’s better to be 30 than to be 20, 21 or even 25, but, more on that later. There are some basics you’ll need to know that will get you through the night.

DRUGS
Now, I feel like I’m getting preachy. Put down the pills. Use only as prescribed. Yes, this means you, clown-ass.

HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE
Many of you have it and don’t know it. Get it treated or your head will explode.

CARBS
Pretty much, you should give up the carbs now. I’m talking about refined carbohydrates, essentially any food made by humankind that comes in a box. This will, generally, stop you from becoming a fat ass, or becoming more of a fat ass or getting Type II Diabetes or high blood pressure and a bunch of other stuff by the time you turn 30.

RELATIONSHIPS
They’re not going to be the way you think they’re going to be. So go easy on yourself and the other person. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Is there someone for everyone? Who knows? But, I do know this: you’re good enough for you. And speaking of standards. . .

CAREER
Dreams die hard, bitches. And you can quote me on that. First, remember you don’t have anything to prove. Then, live with passion. Don’t try to impress me. I don’t care what you do with your lives. I just want you to be able to wake up in the morning and wonder what the hell’s going on. And then let me know.

EXISTENTIALISM
You’re gonna have a crisis. Not right before you turn 30 or right after, but 8 months later. That’s when it hits you. You’re not a teenager, anymore. You’re not in your mid-20s reveling in post-college wonder. You’re a 30-something and you’ve achieved some things and not other things. And you probably haven’t taken any of my advice and are fat, dying of liver failure and all your relationships have fallen apart, along with your general appearance (and on a side note, how come all the men at a 10 year high school reunion look like bald, middle aged plumbers and the women are still hot? I’ve seen the pictures, though I refused to attend. Can someone explain this?) But, life is still better than ever, if for no other reason than you’ve outlived Jim Morrison.

BOOZE
Your liver’s dying. Unless you have a donor, it’s time to start cutting back, especially if you’ve hit 25. And if you’ve hit 25 you know what I’m talking about. I’m preparing you to be able to function for life after 30 which is much better, but I’ve decided not to say why. But, suffice it to say, I’m preparing you for the time of your life when you need to be able to get up in the morning and be quasi-functional physically and mentally.

STANDARDS
As legendary pornographer Jackie Treehorn put it “Regrettably, Dude, standards have fallen.” This is true. What are your standards? Do you have any? If you have to think about this for more than 10 seconds you don’t. Get some. You’re gonna need them, before you abandon them.

TEXTING
Stop texting. It’ll destroy your relationships. Stop e-mailing. Give people a call. Better yet, meet them in person. Only call or text people if you don’t care if your relationship is destroyed. Oh, and get the pictures of you with your pants down around your ankles in the bathroom at Spanky’s off your Facebook. I don’t mind looking at them, but Human Resource departments typically don’t.

ONE MORE THING
Finally, I’d like to caution you against taking any sort of advice. You’re probably not going to take it anyway. You’re probably gonna find some all new way of destroying the cosmos or your love life or libido or mental health. In that case, I’d say sometimes not doing anything is better than doing something. Or just do everything I say and don’t blame me for the inevitably negative consequences.

You’ll make it. I’ll be there cheering and welcoming you to the club. It involves a lot of soup.

~ Charles McAuley